Sultan Morsi the First

Sultan Morsi I

Hear Ye… Hear Ye…

By decree of his royal Sultan-ness, Morsi the First, Egypt has been declared a no-man’s land. Strike that. Egypt has been declared a no-woman’s land– and a bigot’s haven. Egypt under Morsi’ s reign is tumbling back into the dark ages and Egyptians are about to witness, first-hand, the innumerable pleasures of living and thriving under extremist, fascist, totalitarian rulers.

We have been offered a glimpse of the coming attractions of the years to follow. Between releasing convicted terrorists with innocent blood on their hands and hopping around Cairo giving religious sermons and address the nation exclusively from a mosque, Mr. President has really shown where his allegiances lie.

Actually, he has shown us more than that in his mere 82 days in power. He has shown us that an Egyptian president, no the only Egyptian president who has been “democratically” elected, can declare himself Sultan with little to no consequences at all. Not even one teeny tiny demonstration or reminder that the “revolution goes on.”

When did he declare himself Sultan? Oh, you missed it? I’m not surprised.
It was cleverly done and stealthily executed. Indeed, the work of a master mind (perhaps the “Architect”?) Morsi has declared himself beyond reproach. He is, after all, the Muslim scholar leading the Umma in prayer.

His royal Sultan-ness doesn’t tolerate jokes. He will send you straight to jail–or to Hell if that can be helped–for them.

He wants his subjects serious and worthy of his infinite wisdom and his invincible cunning.

You gotta give the guy a break though, he is traumatized by the amount of ridicule he was subjected to during his presidential race: his nickname was “Morsi El- Istebin” which literally translates to “Morsi the Spare Tire” but is meant as “Morsi the Second Best,” referring to his status as being El-Shater’ s (the Architect) replacement.  El-Shater is the Muslim Brotherhood’s main man, but his criminal record and a delayed pardon stood between him and the presidential. The Egyptian people had a few laughs at this, but still elected Morsi anyway.

But now, nobody’s laughing. Demonstrations have been outlawed and Egyptians continue to be oppressed and imprisoned for their beliefs. There are whispers in the streets that child marriage will be legalized, that the already-oppressed minorities will be no longer welcome, that the marginalized will be further pushed into destitute by his royal Sultan-ness’ capitalist plans.

The trouble is that his royal Sultan-ness is just getting warmed up…  

Egypt... Get Thee a Queen!

Watching the Queen's Diamond Jubilee has inspired me with the perfect solution for the political conundrum Egyptians have found themselves into. The solution is so simple, so brilliant, and so elegant that I'm surprised that none of the activists on the ground have thought of it.

Egypt needs not elect a president, since doing so seems to be so darn hard. Egypt needs to get itself a queen!

I'm not a royalist--last I checked anyway--but I see this as the ultimate solution for the leader-worshipping Egyptians out there who, unfortunately, form the majority of the voting pool. Most people are looking for something much more than a president. They are looking for a savior and a leader that will lead Egypt from the darkness to light. They want him strong, invincible, and all-powerfully capable of vaporizing his enemies should they ever dare to exist. They want someone they can adore and even God-ify.

Photo Credit: Wikipedia 

If you seek proof to such claims, look no further than the mysterious case of Hazem Abu Ismail. The charismatic sweet-talking Santa Claus figure who ran for presidency, gathered supporters, and spent millions of Pounds on electorial posters and banners despite knowing that his running for presidency inspite of his mother's American Nationality is in direct violation of the Egyptian Constitutional declaration which bans citizens with dual-national parents from running for presidency.  His supporters went crazy over him, many of them even to the point of pledging their life to him and threatening armed conflict if ever asks them for their support.

Hamdeen Worshipers 

Another, even more mysterious case, is  Hamdeen Sabahy, one of the leaders of the "old" (i.e.pre-revolution) opposition parties who had no popularity whatsoever and then , suddenly and mysteriously, rose to the spotlight. Now all you could hear is Hamdeen this , Hamdeen that. His worshippers liken him to his role-model, the late Gamal Abdel Nasser, who squandered Egypt's wealth on silly wars and died leaving a huge chunk of Egypt occupied, but is still, for some odd reason, worshipped by the masses.

Adore this Sucka!! 

Worshipping masses... listen up!

I hate to burst your bubble but... there is no savior, there is no deliverer, there is no champion! YOU are the champions.  Conscience  is the champion. No one person is ever the answer. The answer is a system. A system that is not self-righteous, but just. A system that can hold those in power accountable for the failings and mistakes. A system where no one in executive position is above the law.

But since Pharaoh worshipping has been sort of our "thing" since the dawn of time, then by all means, elect a cardboard queen... One you can admire, adore, and glorify all you want but let her hold no royal prerogative.

Frustrated Ministry of Interior Wives Thank Effervescent Sex Kitten For Getting it Up

Shown below is one of Egypt's highly acclaimed sex kittens and "soft", in body as in performance, porn stars receiving a Certificate of recognition from the National Police Wives Association. 

Her most acclaimed song titled  "I gotta say it darlin' you ain't gettin' it up" is a master feminist piece where a woman, with a barely there nightgown, twists and churns as her husband fails to "get it up" and complains that "he can't do it no more" then embarks on a series of attempts to help get it up through x-rated Oohas and Aaahs and bottom wiggling worthy of the playboy mansion.

Apparently, her efforts were so wildly successful among the population of police officers, who perhaps were a tad too limp down there, that the Police Wives Association decided to award Marwa a certificate of "Achievement and gratitude"  for, and I am quoting here for "all her efforts in boosting the morale of police officers." HA! 

The accomplished singer is grinning in the picture below holding the quasi-official certificate in one hand and the Quran in the other. The Police Wives have apparently also given her the holy book because they want her safe and sound and protected from the notorious evil eye. After all, what would frustrated police wives do without her.

Marwa No-Last-Name and Recognition certificate from MOI frustrated wives

Shoot Em Down : MPs in Egypt

As a sort of a twisted come back at the esteemed MPs suggesting that Egytian protestors should be shot down, I will argue that these members of the so-called Egyptian 'parliment' should be hanged in public display. Why you ? Well I have a whole bunch of reasons:

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  1. Legal grounds:  Since we have the death penatly in Egypt, it should be applied here in this case, with no reluctance or regerts because the above mentioned MPs have caused political apoplexy in Egypt for the past 3 decades or so.
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  2.Religious:  "al ifsad fi al ard" which translates to 'spreading mischief/corruption in the land', what corruption is worse than killing a bunch of innocent protestors??
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  3.Added bonus: there will be many more 'treatment at the expense of the state' decisions available for other MPs to fiddle around with!

So, what do you all think?

Romantic To The Bone: A not so modern take on Valentine's day

Article first published as Romantic To The Bone on Blogcritics.org

With Valentine's Day around the corner, we should revisit the definition, and the very essence, of the word romantic.

One thing I am sure of is that St. Valentine is tossing in his grave.

Romance now is just yet another opportunity for businesses to capitalize on.

Everywhere you go: buy this, buy that. Take your girl here, then out and about over there. Wine and dine the night away, at the finest five-star restaurant that will charge you double 'cause its V-day.

SUCKERS!

Whether you fall for this depends on your definition of romance. I say V-day is for wussies!! You heard me, ladies.

Want true romance? Go back to prehistoric times. Picture this:

Prehistoric mama is snuggling with her baby cozily in the cave, by the fire, roasting some mammoth leg her man had hunted for her and the kids a few nights ago. Hunter-man has been out all day, going about his hunting-gathering business to feed his lady, his children, and their newborn.

As Hunter-man was coming home, he spotted a saber-tooth tiger lurking, blocking the entrance to his cave, posing a definite threat to the little ones and the Mrs.

Lo and behold, Hunter-man attacks the saber-tooth, stabs him two hundred times, slices his head off, skins him, and takes the fur to his beloved to keep her warm at night. Now THAT's what I call romance!

That's romance as it once was, and forever should be; not some measly guy bringing in a box of chocolates and taking his woman out for a restaurant he worked so "hard" to find a reservation at. Heck, he may even have her pay half the bill – or worse yet, she may be the one doing all the planning and in the end getting none of the fun.

Guys, romance is about taking care of your women, and fighting off the predators!

Gals, guys who buy chocolates on V-day are suckers. They should be getting you chocolates every day of the year!